The death of illusion vis-a-vis the death of love

So I broke up. What have I learned that I can pass on without being too mawkish about it. Well, here goes. The shift in energy in my relationship was imperceptible, at first, but with the passage of time, I saw how much I ignored the clarity these small moments afforded me which represented the shifts. In my case, it was a constant increase in the tone – questioning my worth in direct ways which led me to qualify, argue and logically lock horns with an agenda – her agenda. Instead of doing the Red Flag + bad behaviour arithmetic and objectively totalling these, I allowed the phases of ensuing happiness to wipe the slate clean. It’s one thing to be aware of this in theory and quite another to act on it in practice. But I was foolish – I was in love.

The Dark Room

This changed after a series of such moments that led me to confront the reality and realise that she no longer valued me or respected me and it hit me in the days before I ran the daygame coaching bootcamp with Nick Krauser in Krakow. I knew then that I was starting to detach from her in practical terms and not theoretical terms for the first time. But what the fuck am I saying. Like I said above, it started long before – I just chose to ignore Montenegro and what happened. I chose to ignore other things, too.

In the days before the bootcamp, I began to approach this with a more balanced mindset – meaning – I was now willing to acknowledge the pain of the reality. She chose the route of disrespecting me and devaluing the things I did for her and brought into the relationship – but it was not my responsibility to burden myself with the weight of her changes and her decisions. I had told myself many stories and fancy constructs over the last year to deny myself the need to walk into that Dark Room and close the door behind me and face the terror of the black reality of a simple truth – she wasn’t the girl I had created for myself in my own mind. I had my hand on that door – leading into the black, terrifying room for several months. Then, one day, I opened it and walked into it, and closed the door behind me and began the journey of removing myself from someone I was deeply close to and in love with, but who, successively, month on month, had began to change in ways that meant I no longer recognised her. I could say more – but I can’t – maybe years from now I will. But I can’t now.

Healthy relationships for a man are based on a simple dual-concept of respect and gratitude. Yes, both must be earned, but I know I did enough to earn them via healthy, meaningful and sustainable inputs from my side. By the end of it all, I was rationalising my need for clarity and respect and this drained me. I wasnt getting any of it, and I let this fester to the point of self-abandonment. It hurts that I lost someone I love, but I know also that part of what I loved was an illusion – based upon how she presented herself in the first 8 months or so of knowing her. You eventually find your way out of the Dark Room once you become aware of the offset between the construct we weave in deluded love against the wisdom of clinical observation – the latter shatters the fakery and illusion. I am not saying this as some meta-reframe – but it simply makes her human again – losable. By stripping away the phosphenes you remove the fantasy and the construct. It hurts all the same.

The death of illusion

So I walked in to the Dark Room. I sat with my pain and refused to allow it to take precedence over my wisdom anymore – no more of her youthful lapses viewed and explained away through a logical prism of ‘she’s only young’, or her mistreatment reframed as a ‘learning curve’. I was not going to allow her lack of appreciation to devalue me anymore.

How many men stay in relationships until the dead, coldness stage, and for many of them, way beyond this into a lifeless, bloated transaction-based existence of working in life and working to maintain a loveless relationship? Finding themselves hoping (one last time) that this time it will work. I think most men go through a permutation of this experience at least once in their lives – but it should be no more than this. As men we are built to fix things. We see a logical pathway forward but too many of them martyr themselves on the altar of shit women.

But yes, back to my opening paragraph. It happens by grade, by increment, and then by avalanche. Think of the times you have heard stories of a man trying to talk to his girlfriend and fix the practical, root causes of friction – and then frustratingly ask for space to avoid any further arguments only to have his girlfriend say, ‘well if were not speaking I’m just going to speak to other men’. Ignore the signs leading up to this moment and pay the price. A friend of mine, of the most enigmatic, talented and frustrating men I have ever met (we have been friends since school) once knocked on my door one night some 15 years ago. It was totally out of the blue, he would never just visit my house like that. He asked if I would go for a pint with him. I knew it was something serious. He explained that he had just broken up with his fiancé of two years. She had lied about meeting a guy from work for a drink that night. He saw the rocks approaching and as captain of his own ship, changed course. He never spoke about her again. She became a dead chapter to his life for one lie. I admired this preventative ruthlessness and have never met anyone like him in this regard.

See the rocks before they are showing

What else have I learnt? It doesn’t matter how much history you have with her, how many memories you shared, how many roadside cups of tea you made together, how many zombie noises you did together in hallways of hotels at 3am, in how many tents you huddled together, how many meals you shared, or afternoon snoozes, or however many other memories you shared, or how much you ruminate on the beauty of the finer points of the relationship – this is all reflections on the the beautiful landscape of the past. Without respect you have a wasteland and nothing will grow on it in the future. You can’t earn back respect with more effort/financial sacrifice or any other fucking gesture or submissions – you have to admit you are dating and in love with a mirage. It is the point of no return and your responsibility as a man is to go. Staying is an act of self-betrayal. I clung to the past longer than I should have and let my memory speak to me – thus abandoning my own emotional clarity. Peace matters more than proving my worth to someone who can’t see it. By the end I felt I was being asked to be some glorified sugar daddy. It fucking revolted me. I’d never be that kind of man who quits on his standards and pays for a womans ego driven lifestyle needs. Fuck that. Id literally rather have a wank (as I did several times across the last 8 weeks of the relationship – her behaviour, judgement, ingratitude and entitlement turned me off that much).

So kick the door down. And run into the dark room. Be greedy for The Terror. To be sure, there will be things in there that will hurt you mentally and emotionally. There will be reflection, rumination, sadness and regret. But there is a way out. Make friends with the cold and loneliness that awaits you inside. You will find the way out and be better for it. What’s the alternative? Purgatory and stasis of course – the sad, rotting norm for many men who end up leading lives of quiet desperation. Some of these men make homes in that Dark Room and their internal compass, personal standards and ability to hold their own standards in life disappears forever. Remember this, Where there is a way in, there is a way out.

BroodingSea, July 2025

*on a more cheerful note – I am back in travel and daygame and enjoying this profoundly. I am daygame coaching across 2025 but quite busy with clients. This said, feel free to message me if interested. Plans include Poland across summer and Mexico and Colombia across November 2025 to January 2026.